I told you to be patient

Dear blogspot,

After spending a good majority of my afternoons and evenings looking through the books and journals sitting on my night stand instead of studying, I decided that I was going to spend the weekend writing and reading. But as usual, when do I ever have time for those things any more? So here I am, technically "skipping" calculus in exchange for a study block (like I always do) and writing a pointless blog post. Apparently I'd much rather do this than study for a math quiz or catch up on my novel study reading (which by the way I am extremely behind in.) It's not that I'm a bad student, it's just that.. well, let's not get into that stuff this time around.

February 27, 2012. My day started around 10 or 11 something last night. I was sad without a real reason to be. I guess you could even say that I just wanted to be, but couldn't find a good enough reason to feel so. Although it was a little bit of fake sadness, moments like these really do make you realize how blessed you are (oooo, cliche!). A friend I've had for a while but only started getting closer to/talking to more this school year (last week was our first deep talk) called me. Knowing how I was "feeling" at the time, they played at least eight different songs and sang along not so well, but just for kicks. Lately it feels as though there's some sort virus going around that has negativity and stress infused into it. I've noticed it in all my friends, regardless of whether they try to hide it or not. At any rate, in exchange for the cheer up songs, I let them blow off some steam. "Heartbreak" in any kind of form isn't exactly the best feeling to go through. I'm going to have to say that this phone call was actually an eye opener to me. I don't talk on the phone very often, but when I do the people I talk to always tend to be so insightful. (Then again, aren't all late night phone calls meant to be deep?) I've come to a realization: I always talk. Yada yada yada blah blah blah. But when do I ever really listen? Is it just because the people I often talk to are either the listeners or have a balance between listening and talking with me? In this case, you could say we were both a thousand word paragraph speakers. I found that we would each talk and talk for extremely long, but taking turns. The nicest part on my half was that I finally got to release a story that's been in me for the last 2 years. It was a good feeling, especially because they asked about it.

But why am I writing about a late night phone call? I don't know if it comes with the big 18 that seems to have been marked on my forehead as of two weeks ago, but I find that I'm starting to notice the significance in my relationships with people: the way we treat each other, the way we speak to each other, the way we react to each others' stories, and the fun we have together. I've also started to notice the way certain people care for me. Actually, a week ago I think the truth as to why one of the biggest inspirations in my life cares for me so much was revealed. It hit me like a brick. The truth was so unexpected that I literally had to grab a chair and sit down. Which led to yet another inspiration coming up to me curious about my dazed look.

I don't really know where I'm going with this blog post anymore. I guess to sum the last bit up, I would like to admit this: I am changing. I am changing for the better and the worse. I'm praying and doing my best to stop the bad, but sometimes the evil one gets to my head and for a moment there is nothing I can do but listen to his deceiving voice. But I don't want to look at these inner wars as destroying. If anything, they're making me stronger in faith, self-esteem, overall goodness, and in resisting temptation. So thank you for hating me and thank You for guiding me through his treachery.

Pretty sure there were a few more things I wanted to talk about, but this post is getting a little too long and the bell is about to ring. This morning has started off with really good feelings though.

• woke up exhausted after going to bed at 5am, but seeing the sunlight slip through the spaces between my blinds felt energizing.
• I am facing the window in the computer lab with the sun once again shining through the blinds. Although the light hits my eyes once in a while, the bokeh I see on my eyelashes when I blink and the light brown illusion my front hairs create make up for it. The tea and Bon Iver are a plus.

Alright, going to end this post boringly and say it's time to go back to reality. Peace out, mah blogspot.